Shout out to my people pleasers. This week, we are talking about you.
Last week, we explored the Questioner, the musician who wants to understand exactly why something is worth doing before she commits her time to it.
​CLICK HERE TO READ LAST WEEK’S EMAIL ABOUT THE QUESTIONER​
As a quick reminder, Gretchen Rubin’s Four Tendencies framework looks at two kinds of expectations.
Outer expectations come from other people. A venue needs your promotional materials by Friday. Your producer is waiting for your vocal tracks. Your fans are expecting the livestream you announced.
Inner expectations are the promises you make to yourself. You plan to practice three times this week, finish your artist bio, send a fan email, or spend Saturday applying for grants.
The way we respond to those expectations places us into one of four tendencies:
Upholder
Questioner
Obliger
Rebel
This week, we are talking about the Obliger.
An Obliger is usually very good at meeting outer expectations but struggles to meet inner expectations.
If another person is waiting for something, the Obliger will find a way to get it done. She will show up for rehearsal, meet the client deadline, help another musician promote her show, or prepare everything the band needs for Saturday’s gig.
But when no one else is waiting?
The practice session gets skipped. The fan email remains half written. The songs she planned to organize are still sitting in three different folders.
This does not mean she is lazy, unmotivated, or unserious about her music.
The expectation simply does not carry the same weight when she is the only person affected by it.
Obliger does not automatically mean people pleaser, but there is plenty of overlap. Obligers are often caring, dependable, and quick to respond when someone needs help.
These are wonderful qualities until everyone else’s priorities take over the calendar.
This is where accountability becomes incredibly important.
1. Accountability turns an inner expectation into an outer one
An Obliger may tell herself, “I really need to send a fan email this week,” and still find ten reasons to postpone it.
But the situation changes when she tells her accountability group, “I am sending my email on Thursday, and I will report back when it is done.”
Now someone else knows about the commitment.
The goal is no longer floating around inside her head. Other people are expecting to hear what happened.
Inside the Female Musician Accelerator, members can post their weekly goals and return on Friday to report what they completed.
For an Obliger, this is not just a nice planning exercise. It can be the difference between thinking about the goal and actually doing it.
2. A group can help you protect time for your own music
Obligers often treat other people’s needs as urgent while assuming their own goals can wait.
The problem is that your music can wait forever.
There will always be another family responsibility, work request, volunteer need, or person who would appreciate your help.
An accountability group gives you another reason to protect the time you planned for yourself.
You are not merely saying no to someone else. You are honoring a commitment you already made to your group.
Your accountability partners can also help you notice when you are agreeing to too much. They may point out that you cannot realistically finish your release plan this week while volunteering for two extra projects and helping everyone else solve their emergencies.
Sometimes an Obliger needs another person to say, “Your music deserves a place on your calendar too.”
3. Accountability can help prevent resentment and burnout
When Obligers keep meeting everyone else’s expectations, they can eventually feel exhausted, overlooked, or taken for granted.
Gretchen Rubin calls the breaking point Obliger rebellion.
It may look like suddenly quitting a committee, refusing to answer messages, abandoning a project, or deciding you are done with music altogether because one more expectation feels impossible.
The rebellion can surprise everyone, including the Obliger.
A supportive group can help you recognize the warning signs before you reach that point.
Perhaps the goal for the week should not be adding another task. It may be canceling something, asking for help, or choosing one music priority instead of trying to complete five.
A good accountability group does not exist to pile more expectations onto you. It helps you create expectations that support the life and music career you actually want.
BONUS: Obligers are incredibly valuable members of an accountability group.
They remember what other people said they wanted to accomplish. They check in, offer encouragement, and genuinely care when someone else succeeds.
The challenge is making sure they receive the same care and attention they so naturally give everyone else.
Inside the Female Musician Accelerator, our weekly goal setting and wins areas already give Obligers a place to state their intentions, report back, and celebrate what they completed.
And starting in September, annual members will also have access to accountability groups hand picked by me.
For an Obliger, that means having a small group of women who know what you said you wanted to do and will be waiting to hear how it went.
If you are always dependable for everyone else but struggle to give your music the same commitment, this may be the support you have been missing.
You can learn more about Female Musician Accelerator and the benefits included with the annual membership here:
You do not need more guilt about the promises you have broken to yourself. You may need to stop keeping those promises private.
Next week, we will talk about the Rebel and why traditional accountability can make her want to do the exact opposite of what everyone expects.
Always in your corner,
​<3 Bree
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